When You’re Broken On The Inside You Can Make The Devil Cry

I sat down with the Devil one night 

And opened my heart to him

Let him know that things had gotten worse since the last time we had spoke

I poured us both a drink and sat down

Whispered into his ear all about my life

I told him I was too scared to speak to loudly

Because I didn't want anyone else to hear

I spit out words through clenched teeth 

And choked on truths I didn't want to keep

Tears dripped down my face 

While he tried to catch them one by one

Silently screaming into the void

Only to feel my throat burn and my soul shatter

I told him about the day my cat died 

And how life was breaking me into pieces

How I couldn't be in my home 

Because the silence was deafening 

I told him about the sleepless nights 

And how every time I walk out the door 

I have to put my skin on to deal with the world

We finished our first drink, so I poured us another

This time a little stronger to help with the pain in my bones

I told him about the bruises

And the the countless fake smiles

How I'm constantly wading in raging waters, so cold and deep

Barely keeping my head above the waves

Inhaling water into my lungs every time I go under

Hoping that things might finally go dark

And I might finally feel peace

I told him about the night you shoved your tongue in my mouth and held me down

And all I could taste was blood and anger

How I was filled with fury inside 

But paralyzed by fear

I told him about when I tried to say 'I love you '

But was instead met with utter silence and a blank stare

And how a part of me died that night

How it made me feel like I will never be loved

I told him about the letter I tried to write you 

But how my pen kept running out of ink

And how I couldn't leave without saying goodbye

How my unlined words barely scratched the paper

So I was left to shove the words back down my throat to save for another day

Waking up and not wanting to face myself

How I walk through life and not really living

Just wandering hopelessly in a haze of pushed down emotions

I unzipped the dark corners of my heart

And laid them out one by one on the table

With bruises on my hands and holes in my knees

I neatly organized them by which one made me die most on the inside

The graveyard of my past

I sat across the table from the Devil and told him

I was trying to play pretend so that it will all get better

I told him everything

And I made the Devil cry

We Exist.

 I feel you in the darkest blues 

So bold and comforting.

Like soft and gentle, cooling rain 

Wet kisses on my skin. 

5am, we begin to stir

Waking each other gently.

With sleepy eyes just like the sea 

Soft hands to shake us from our sleep.

To trace the lines of our lovers face

Soothing blues all around us.

In this moment nothing else matters

And everything tastes like love.

.

I feel you in the lightest blues

The calmest color I've ever known.

A photograph I'll always keep 

Of early morning skies.

I'll keep the scribbled notes of you 

Tucked away inside my chest.

And continue to fold down the corners of you 

Like all my favorite books. 

.

Cinnamon sprinkled over coffee galaxies 

And faint cigarettes lingering on your sleeves.

Your skin, so sweet, with salt and care

Writing love poems with our bodies.

Hugging me from behind,

Your fingertips place butterflies in my belly.

Laughter continually spilling from our mouths

And sticking to our chests.

Soothing blues, again, surround us

While the rain falls ever steadily.

We both sit quietly soaking in 

All of these new feelings.

.

I feel you in all shades of blue

Like flowers growing in my chest.

Staring into one another's eyes

Searching for that answer.

I feel the warmth of you wrapping us 

Just a little closer.

I look at you and see colors 

I never thought existed.

.

A melody lingers in my head

A song I can't get out.

It simply sings 

Between this moment,

And my future,

You land somewhere.

And I think,

We both believe 

That we exist.

Would You Like To Walk Me Home?

Hey, how's it going?

Would you like to walk me home?

Both my hands are free

And I'm a little cold.

I've been searching for a warmth 

That I don't know where is.

My hearts a soft and lonely thing 

And nobody's home.

I'd like to play you a song,

One we can slow dance to.

Maybe the moon can join?

She could sing us to sleep if we let her.

What are your dreams made of?

Endless roads and glittered nights?

What do you want to do?

Tell me what you want to do.

Remember sitting on that rainy night

And you made me feel the way you do?

Swimming through stars and falling hard

Memory gives warmth to that right now

I told you how I'm feeling

Wrote novels on postcards

And plastered them to the sky.

Hey, how's it going?

Would you like to walk me home?

Both my hands are free

And I'm a little cold.

Nobody is home 

But maybe that's alright.

Oh darling, won't you walk me home?

Water Puts Out Fire?

put that smile on 

(pretend and it will get better)

chest tight and face wet 

(with regret?)

palate swollen from deep breaths in

(drunk on gin)

eyes blurred from ocean waves 

(crashing onto my skin)

shaking out the numb

(let me feel something)

distant hum between my ears

(after thought)

i wish that tomorrow was yesterday 

(so that i could slip away)

you can want so badly to find a home in a heart
(pretend and it will get better)

it wasnt enough 

(to recklessly break off pieces of myself)

to hand them out like candy to see who thinks i taste the sweetest

(will you keep coming back for more?)

i'm sure i will find that even though i make you drip 

(from the corners of your mouth)
no roots 

more adventure

(other emotions) 

all make your chest explode with fire

i thought water always put out fires

(i guess i was wrong)

i am not your home to seek comfort   i am not the four walls of a beating heart  my body is not a place  for old bones to seek refuge  and i am no longer a graveyard for men  with tired and broken hearts searching for whatever it is they need   don't worry, i'll be fine... (this time)

You Flow Through Me

we 

stayed 

up 

all 

night....

our wine stained mouths

full of laughter

every word that fell 

from our lips

sticky with affection

we stop to see the lights in our eyes

as we count the twinkling stars in the sheeted sky

and feel the sparks in our hearts

from the comfort of the pillow floor

i close my eyes and think about the ocean

you flow through me

and we drown into one another

falling in love 

while we fall asleep... 

waking 

up

tangled 

in

you...

light dripping across the sheets 

and your sleepy eyes 

and soft smile

your easy kisses 

you flow through me

like drifting on the sea

slow fingers move over my body

like you're trying to find a city on a world map 

but marking all your favorite destinations along the way 

and writing novels on my skin with just your touch 

please, do touch.

our worlds are changing

can't you feel them? 

undressing?

slipping 

into 

something 

called 

love...

Crushed Cherry Mouth

chests pressed 

cause 

heavy breaths 

in this constant 

exchange of 

carbon dioxide

and my lungs 

keep searching 

for oxygen

in your kisses

just like my hands

keep searching

for your skin

against mine

and my 

crushed cherry mouth 

tight 

against yours

your tongue

slipping

in and out

reminds me

of the ocean

deep & wet

and i am 

20 days 

lost in it.

fingers slip

then

grasp and grip

each of us

craving our

wild

this night

a verse

of our summer

set in the

thick hot air

and you 

speak like 

a friend

and

touch like

an animal

and make me feel

like my crushed cherry mouth

is your last meal

Sadness.

Sunshine once crawled through my eyes and leaked out of the cracked windows.

We'll call that sadness.

The Last Thing I'll Ever Write For You.

i wrote a poem just for you.


i am spilling over with hate.
spitting the words out 
through mouthfuls of blood.


you are dinner plates shattered across the bedroom floor

burned blossoms of yesterday

sad sleepless nights

and an unfortunate memory.


i see the paint across your mouth, 
trying to cover all of your scars.
grief tied itself around your neck 
tightening every day 
as it creeps 
across 
your 
skin.


those thousands of hearts howling at night...none are for you..


ripped flesh--ribs pried open--heart crushed


remember this
when your wounds stop hurting 
you shouldn't fall in love. 


stay lonely.


your aches i no longer want to accommodate.
your voice at the back of my head, 
whispering, "how could you?"


easily, 
"fuck you."

A Letter To You.

To you, so long ago,

i want you to know something
i do not hate you

i know you tried
it was the best that you knew how, young and scared, not wanting to fail
i know you faked it most days
"fake it 'til you make it" was your mantra every morning while you smeared on your eyeliner
i know you watched 4am click onto your clock almost every night, tired
the glowing green light illuminated your garbage bag eyes and buzzing head
i remember after work you making it to bed
only to fall asleep with your shoes on because of all the sleepless nights you fought.
i know sometimes you were wrong
lets be honest, you were wrong a lot, and most of the time you lied to cover it all up without blinking an eye
i remember you feeling alone and empty
and thinking a warm body in your bed would make the pain go away for the night
i know you made mistakes
and all the guilt and shame you felt never helped you to heal
i know you picked up so many broken pieces of your life
it was your fault it happened the way that it did
i remember, "you made your bed, now lie in it"
and even though you knew you did it, it never made it any easier to swallow
i know you tried to drown your conscience with booze
it was the only way you could ever sleep, a moment to make everything stop
and god do i know how many times you flashed a smile to hide the skeletons in your closet
i know you were lost
but do you realize you were broken down to ugly rumors
most false, but some true, and some may still linger
remember, you have no one to blame but yourself
i know you cried, oh, so many nights
and you held yourself because you left yourself with no one
you were the queen of burning bridges

but i need you to know, i do not hate you
i sometimes wish we could go back and fix the chaos you set into motion time and time again
but i do not regret anything you did

for so long i thought i would never be rid of you
a hurricane of poor decisions and tears
i know your faults and many imperfections shaped me
but it took years of hurt on your heart, lies and deceit, more sleepless nights
promises that you made over and over to yourself, mostly broken ones
but one day you kept your promise to change
and that turned the page to make me who i am now.
i thought i had forgiven you a long time ago
but i guess i never did

so, tonight, i write to you
please know, i do not hate you and i forgive you

from,
29 year old me

2014

And Something About Love Probably Goes Here.

I remember you vividly in the corners of my mind
The dusty memories of my past lying at your feet, 
And you without a care in the world.
I took my time to take you in, 
Holding your gaze, just so.
Our muscles both tightened 
As soon as summer came, 
My crown of roses bloomed
My head and heart 
Became heavy...
With you.

I remember waking up
Opening my eyes with your arms around me, 
A certain softness in your hands on my chest.
The early morning lights 
Peaking through the curtains
And dancing on our skin.
I remember you, how could I forget?
Those heavy eyes and that deepened voice.
We are content our emotions laid to rest 
Between sticky skin and warm breath.

I keep looking to you... 
These perfect pictures in my mind 
You wearing my blankets and your bedroom smile
It was then that I felt summer slipping by
I took my time
Tracing your lips
Your fingertips
All of your forget me-nots.

I still remember you in the corners of my mind, 
Just flickering in and out.
You were right, 
Maybe, I needed my heart taming its wild in you.
And just like that, 
Summer had left as fast as it came.
That first breeze of (a) fall. 
And something about love probably goes here...