Gratitude.

I was taught not very long ago to express my gratitude.

Much more than I was. 

I was always thankful but I now see the power behind it. It's more than saying thank you. It's about connecting a little deeper. It's saying my soul and heart thank yours. 

I thanked someone for exposing their soul. 

Their eyes lit up. 

I wonder if that's what I looked like when I was first given thanks for being myself...

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for seeing me. 

Thank you for recognizing my soul. 

With my hand on your chest I feel your heart thumping...

I feel great gratitude towards you.

Slow Tiger Licks.

The rain is coming down tonight just like last night.
It reminds me of how much I love the sound,
Quietly splashing against the orange and yellow leaves in the trees..
Almost dripping down inside of me,
Cooling everything that feels rushed, or hurried, or anxious..
Your presence is like no other...strong and inspiring, moving and unforgettable.

I think of our mouths stained with wine..
It's hard to believe that we didn't leave these mountains when we were together.
When our stories and bodies touch, it seems like we travel to distant places -
Your body next to mine--I swear your fingertips could write a novel across my skin

We taste the beauty; feel the beauty between us..
I could have swore we visited the ocean twice last night.
What a frenzy to have your heart thump against mine..
Your love burning like a wildfire..

Your wet lips pressed against mine..
The yearning we feel deeply.. 

Tugging us towards one another..
Pushing us to the animals we truly are..
 "What do you see?"

 "Softness."

 "What do you see?"

 "Passion."

What a fascinating life we have..
Small moments that no one would have ever guessed..
Remember everything is a fleeting memory.
Do not question where the small moments come from,
Do not ask where they are headed, or for how long they will be with you..
Enjoy them for the remarkable moments they last.
Unexpected. Without expectations. 

We must remember to love the roughness and the sweetness of it.

With slow tiger licks, long embraces and smiles.

One Year Ago.

One year ago..
I said goodbye to the life that I knew the most.
Dreams had come true. It was almost the picket fence life.
We had everything to everyone.
Yet, not to us.
I felt tamed. 
Caged. 
Unhappy.

I threw it away and the three years attached for a new one....
Mine..

Tears were shed and words were cross.
Things did not end well.
I had pizza that night with a close friend to try and forget about what I had just done.
Tonight, I had pizza with new friends and remembered to myself how sick my gut felt that cool October night sitting beside that fire.

Its funny where we go in a year. 
New people.
New places. 
Some same people. 
Some same places.
New dreams; new goals.
New...life.

I've been working on myself since that night. 
I promised myself I would.
Betterment. 
Bewilderment.

I've met some very interesting people.
Some very terrible people too. 
I've had fights with myself, fights with no longer friends.
I've been stolen from and lied to.
Made a fool of.
Challenged my soul.
Felt defeated; felt accomplished.
Painted pictures and threw them away.
Hid my pain.
Dealt with my pain.
Cried.
Laughed. 
Screamed.
Forgave myself.
Climbed mountains and trees.
I've had new lovers and left them.
Had lovers that left that I wish would have stayed.
I've made new friends I never would have met.
I've broken myself a few nights, only to find myself when I hit the bottom.
I've made dinners, told stories.
Laid under stars and laid in fields.
Drank with loved ones and laughed.
Drank alone and cried.
Walked in the rain; basked in the sun.
Swam in the rivers and sat on their banks.
Slept alone; slept cuddled.
I have been very weak and also very strong.
I walked along seashores and tromped through desert canyons. 
I've missed family.
I've made family.
Learned and taught.
Watched sunsets and sunrises.
I've struggled 
I've succeeded.
I am evolving still because my tiger wants out.

A lot can happen to you in a year.
A lot can change you in a year.
I'm learning to not hold on to any one thing to tightly.
Let things slip through fingers like grains of sand. 
Everything is a fleeting moment.
Beautiful in its on energy.
Don't squeeze too tightly, you don't want to break it..
Handle carefully and keep your hands open.
Every moment we are handed whether by choice or by happening is a blessing.
So even if we think we fucked up...imagine yourself a year from that moment...I couldn't.
I bet you won't be able to either but I can promise you this..
You'll be a better person for going through it and happier in the end.

The Crackle Of Cigars Will Make You Think...

I get lost in my mind...


I drive with the windows up..
No music on.
I finally make it home after a long day.
I walk from my car and lie down in the breezeway. 
For some reason the word breeze-block comes to mind..
I start singing to myself...
"She may contain the urge to run away but hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks.."
I stare at the walls surrounding me. 
Who decided that this blue was a good color to paint these walls? 
I listen to the crackle of my cigar...
I listen to the cars sputter down the street but all I can see is this blue.
It kind of looks like a sponge...these walls...are so strange.

I wonder what I look like to people in the carport...
Just a set of legs coming out of a hallway...
Green corduroy pants...These are weird pants..  
I wonder about the people in my complex...
Have their days been anything like mine?

I finish my smoke and continue to lie there. 
I put my hands in my jacket pockets and close my eyes.
I hear the wind hiss through the trees across the street. 
Mm, That is definitely a sweet sound.
I wish this wasn't cement under me but soft grass...that matched my pants...

Okay, maybe I should go upstairs....
I count the steps as I walk up..
1,2,3,4...
I stopped counting at 10.
Fuck these stairs.

I walk into my house and see two people tangled up in love.
Legs and arms all weaved together..
"hello."
"hi..hello."
I actually hate walking into this.
Call me harsh..I don't much care.
Luckily, I like them.

My cat is hiding in my roommates clothes that are piled up in his room.
There are weird tunes coming from the speakers...
I don't hate it..
I am, however, not totally sure of it.

Walk into the kitchen and open the fridge...
Crack
Mm. beer.
This is what I've wanted for the last 3 hours.
Something to lower my inhibitions.
Yeah...Needed.

I walked downstairs and looked at the stars...
Clear night..
Wish I was anywhere but here.
Fucking paved parking lot.
Sitting on an electrical box..
Cars zoom past; coming home, leaving for the night...
Wonder where they are going?
Consumed more nicotine..
And I finish my beer...Sad.

I come upstairs.. living room is empty. yes.
I start this randomness while listening to Ray Lamontagne
Oh wait, there is the sound of moans echoing through my house..
Whatever.

I go into my room, grab my water, throw the clothes off my bed and into the floor..
I stand there, thinking about...actually nothing for a brief moment...
I don't want to be in here..
Walk back into my living room..No sounds of sex...yes..

I lie down on the couch...eyes closed.
I hear my fan in my room humming loudly.
Why the fuck can I hear that before I hear the music playing right beside me?
Strange.

I start to think about her.
Tomi, I hope heaven treats you well.
It broke my heart today to hear of your passing.
I bet you are doing just fine wherever you are.

"I lay down with circles in my head and I dream a dream I've never had, I was climbing down a mountain to a deep dark hole and in that dream it didn't seem all that bad."
Appropriate.

Words just came on...this song...something about it strikes a cord in me..
It plucks at my strings. 
Makes me think even more than I already do...

"Words mean more at night. 
  Like a song. 
  And did you ever notice.
  The way light means more than it did all day long?"   
Hmm.

Universe, are you listening to me?
I'm listening to you.  
......Universe, what are you trying to tell me?