When Ghosts Carry Chains: You Drown

life took a swing and hit me right in the throat

knocked out any chance of words to help me heal
pinned me to the ground and shoved a hot nail straight through my chest
unable to move it took me apart piece by piece
first my happiness 
then my sanity
leaving me with nothing but the loud thoughts in my head

this constant noise.
this constant banging.
God, make it stop

i cant see past the oceans streaming down my face
and i cant breathe for the waves continually crashing into my mouth
salt water
salt water
salty fucking water

i cant swim because my legs don't work anymore
i cant even keep my head up

life has me trapped under a glass and its been plucking my wings off one by one for the last decade.

what do you do when there is no way out
what do you do when you are drowning in the middle of an ocean

how am i so okay to pretend that life is fine
when every bit of it is not
all my thoughts hanging around like ghosts
dragging their chains
its so fucking loud 

they say God is good but where is He now?

hello? 
God? 
i'm sitting here licking my wounds!
screaming for you!  
do you see me now?
why cant you see me?

where are you?

if you spoke these words would anyone hear me?
can you hear my heart beat as you read this?

because i cant feel it anymore...

Open Mouth Promises

Breathe in...
Breathe out...
I'm waiting for you to tempt me...
I keep remembering that your open mouth has promises to keep.
Tell me all your secrets with your tongue and I'll whisper back with mine. 

You turn me inside out and leave my skin on the floor. 
A bag of bones and a hint of want is all that's left..
Wait, was that me or you that was left empty?
How senseless is all of this?

I thought this would get easier..
I think they lied to my face..
And now I can't stop staring at the ceiling.
Can't stop craving a feeling...
Any feeling...
But mainly, the healing I find in those open mouth promises.

Your voice is still a ghost that haunts my walls. 
I'm waiting to be swallowed whole by the sound. 
The quiet tick as seconds pass.
They start to swallow me whole.
I thought I saw you reflected on my skin.
It wasn't you, just memories missed.

Its been a while...
Since I felt you. 
Its been a while... 
Since I saw you.
Its been a while... 
Since I tasted you.
Its been a while... 
Since I felt this cold
And now...
I don't know where else to go.
Because I don't want to leave you.

I've lost myself...
And now I'm gone to find her.
Will you hold my place until I return?
I promise I'll be back later
But with a sharpened tongue that you won't remember. 

All I can think of is that open mouth, talking to me. 
Open mouth, swallowing me whole.
I keep wishing it was the ocean...
Swallowing me whole...
Oh, to drown quickly instead of one drop at a time.

When the night is over, how is it that I will be the last to know..
That I did this all to myself...

The hurricane that I am,
Damned to destroyed it all..
All for the taste of rush, of love, of your open mouth promises.

I Am The Sad Girl: Ink Thoughts: Journal Entry: September 2017

I find myself here.

Year to year facing myself over and over again.
I am coming to find that I am the sad girl.
The girl who finds beauty in everything especially the things that try to break me.

The breeze blowing the leaves, the smell of rain, Iron & Wine drifting through the air.
Flowers as they slowly fade to fall.

The ignored words of mine that fell flat to you and the raised voice of yours over mine.
Even with these things...
I have hope of what once was.

I'm holding on but my fingers are losing grip with time.

I am an ocean hidden behind lipstick and eyeliner.
A tsunami of blues and swirls..
And even though I am an ocean, I often find myself drowning in my own skin.
Gasping for air behind my smile.

I am the girl who tripped over the boy and cracked my heart wide open.
I am the girl who was too often left picking up the pieces alone.
Truth be told, some of those pieces are now dust.

I am the girl who has had too many face to faces with 1am..
Then 2am...
Followed by 3am...
The hours of thinkers and poets 
But also the hour of the heart broken.

I am the forced smile by day and chaotic cries by night.
I am the chatter in my mind that keeps saying, "You'll be okay."
I am the strength because I have to be.
I am the pick me up of everyone around me but I am so broken,

I am the girl who has cried rivers over hearts gone 
And over hearts that never deserved a single tear.

I am the girl who can serve the most eloquent words to your ears 
But with everyone said...
I am choking.
But you would never know.

I am the girl who holds my head highest to everyone around
But no one sees it for the act that it is. 

I am the sad girl.
The one that has fallen apart.

I've filled the cracks of myself with pages of books that mean something to me.
I've cleaned off the dirt with glasses of wine.
I've held my head on straight with ropes that half way keep me grounded..

I am the sad girl...
But you...
You would never know it.

Ink Thoughts: September 2017: Journal Entry

You ask what colors I kiss in...

I'm not sure if I even remember.

It used to be vivid and bold...endless colors.

Colors from sunset evenings and cool ocean waves.

Everything swirling in and over one another melting into a perfect dream.

You ask what colors I kiss in..

I know I don't remember anymore.

Slow, faded, and foggy greys that drip down like honey..

To slow to care anymore.

Enjoy The Fall.

i look at you

and i see 

a beautiful bare canvas. 

if you look up

you'll see that

the clouds 

right above us 

want to spill all their colours 

d
o
w
n   

on us.

all we have to do

is dare them

and let the rain 

f
a
l
l

and enjoy.