Old News From 2014

So many things creep through my mind. 

It's like slow and sticky syrup. 

Things aren't coming out like they should. 

Just caught up in the mix in my mind.

Things aren't as easy as they once were. 

It's making life seem unwholesome and tiring. 

I've found myself on a journey of self discovery. 

And I'm starting to realize sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself. 

Dear October, It's Me Again.

Dear October,

We meet again.
Your all to familiar breeze that stops my heart came blowing past my face a few weeks ago.
You're helping the trees take off their clothes.
I watch the leaves swirl around me and go on to better days.
You left them cold and trembling in the air.
No more warmth when you're around.
You took the stars from my eyes, again.
It's a funny thing how you taught me to put on a face so no one would know the truth.
People see so much strength.
I am weak, believe it or not.

She crushed me again, you know.
The Universe.
And I blame you, it's always you.
She crushed my soul in that goddamn desert, again.
Just this time not with the same happiness of crushing love.
I couldn't look up into the snow globe sky without the heaviest weight on my chest.
So heavy.
I couldn't breathe.
Stifling.
Suffocating.
The last time I was there you let me fall in love.
Soul crushing love.
Tears falling, love.
Never felt that before love.
Don't take this away from me.

All I could do was collapse into the sand and rock while the past oceans swam around me in the dark.
All I could hear was my heart pounding out of my chest.
My breath trying to escape my lungs but it barely could between the sobs.
I fell down to my knees at 3am and howled at the moon.
I know what it is to be broken and torn from the inside out, thanks to you.
I had nothing to hold while I was letting go; 
not a heart, not a soul, not a hand, not even me.

I woke to violent shakes; I thought there was an earthquake,
I don't know if it was the dreams or my emotions, but it happened more than once.
I remember tumbling down a cliff and that was it.
Nothing: I woke up alone in a cold tent and scared to death.
I left a piece of me back there. 
It was like blood in my mouth and skin under my nails.
I hope you're happy with yourself.

My chest is tight from running.
I'm tired of running.
I'm trying.
Trying so hard.
I don't want to run anymore.

What is happening?
Where did the colors go?
When I close my eyes all I see is black and white.

Where did the colors go?
All the blues and greens.
Softness in the air
Flowers in my hair.

Where did the colors go?
The exhale of clouds in the cold.
Where did the colors go?
Autumn reds and golds.
My heart to hold..

Where did the colors go?
The bone color of your skin
The lakes in your eyes.
Where did the colors go?
My wine stained lips pressing yours, so soft.
My heart yearns; it's so raw, from lack of touch.

Dear October, 
I'm tired of meeting you like this year after year,
Winter is hard enough without your help.

Maybe if I try hard enough we can make it to the other side,
Maybe if you try hard enough we can make it to the other side,
Maybe if we try hard enough we can make it.
Help me get the stars back in my eyes,
I've been holding yours like treasures.
Let's make a map back to one another.
We've gone too far to give up now.
This only happens once in a lifetime.

Dear October,
Please don't crush me, again.

I AM MISS [not so] PERFECT

Hear me roar.
Laugh, scream, or....cry.
It really depends on what day it is.

This is for all the mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, sisters, lovers, whomever really....
who forget...
It's okay to NOT be perfect. 
Truth is that is what makes us perfect, our flaws.

How often do you get to be you? 
The you you can really be, the one when no one is around.
When no one is watching you. 

I know we have those people we feel comfortable around but I know we are all a little different when we are by ourselves. 

It's also okay to feel like you're out of control. 
It's okay to dance in the kitchen and sing into a spoon.
Pretend you know what you're doing when you try to do yoga.
Talk to your pet about your day and ask them about theirs.
Smell your underwear and socks to make sure they are clean.
Cry into a pillow only to stop to eat ice cream.
Drink alone on a Saturday afternoon just because you want to.

How many things do you hide from the world around you?
How many times have you just put on a smile and faked it?
How many times have you been perfect when in reality you are the furthest thing from it?

Stop trying to be perfect. You are just the way you are supposed to be.

Don't feel bad for crying and not knowing why. 
You are human and you are allowed to be angry or sad.   
You can laugh and smile for no reason.
You can have a bad day.
You can have an amazing day, with no rhyme or reason.
You are allowed to feel emotions. 
You are allowed to be.

You're allowed to want a cheeseburger on a Wednesday night and say fuck the dishes.
You can sleep all day if you want. 
Eat all the Doritos if you want...no one is judging you.
Drink that whole bottle of wine if you want..no one is judging you.
Sleep until 1pm...no one is judging you.
Cry to get it off your chest..whatever it is..get it out.
Cry to the heavens, scream if you must.
It's okay. You are perfect, even if tears are streaming down your face.
Remember, you are allowed to be.

I am declaring that we all be the not so perfects that we are meant to be.
I am embracing my inner lioness and I have NO shame.
I am roaring today.
Roaring loudly with my strange sunburned shoulders, blemishes on my face, my chipped nail polish, and stained shirt. I am roaring today and tomorrow and hopefully the next.
If I falter and forget that I am perfect, guess what, I'll still be perfect, and so will you.

So lay down your worries, stop trying so hard.
You are beautiful.
You are real.
You will always be good enough.
Love your freckles
Love your scars
Love your laugh lines
Love your skin
Love your big feet
Love your frizzy hair
Love yourself.

You are not so perfect and world loves you for that.
Always stay imperfect.

Golden Lions, Green Fields, & Drippy Thoughts.

Where do we go at the end of the day?

Where do all the wild ones roam?
Where do all the lone souls go?

Here is to all the empty hearts that wait.
Here is to all the full hearts that ache.

To all the free ones...
To all the tamed ones...

To all the golden lions who are tangled in their own manes
The ones so wild they are blinded by the sweat in their eyes
Who's hands are trapped from their claws being buried so deep into the earth...

To all the bodies and spirits lying in fields of green
Feeling the world spin by as they are paused in time
Watching the clouds drift by as flowers push through their chests...

Here is to the rambling of thoughts that will never see paper
To the writers that could never pick up the pen to get it out
May this essence drip into your ears and come out as paintings in your mind.
If only we could all be so lucky...

Here's to you and all the parts of you that are colored 
To all the shades of the ocean depths you feel 
All the blues and blurs and salty swirls
I look at you and see colors I never thought existed...


To all of our umber washed out notes...
Feeling half of being whole...


To all the tamed ones.
To all the free ones.

Here is to all the full hearts that ache.
Here is to all the empty hearts that wait.

Where do all the lone souls go?
Where do all the wild ones roam?

Where do we go at the end of the day?

Ten Thousand.

White.

Blue. 

Simple moves. 

Simple fabrics on which I've touched ten thousand times. 

Slowly ripples up and out. 

Ten thousand lines I cannot count. 

Sweet warmth of feather wrap around. 

Ten thousand thoughts come dripping down...

Ten thousand words I've yet to write...

I'll slowly wait for them to come to light. 

Why Contemplate?

Late night head is buzzing.

Contemplating life for nothing.