i want you to know something
i do not hate you
i know you tried
it was the best that you knew how, young and scared, not wanting to fail
i know you faked it most days
"fake it 'til you make it" was your mantra every morning while you smeared on your eyeliner
i know you watched 4am click onto your clock almost every night, tired
the glowing green light illuminated your garbage bag eyes and buzzing head
i remember after work you making it to bed
only to fall asleep with your shoes on because of all the sleepless nights you fought.
i know sometimes you were wrong
lets be honest, you were wrong a lot, and most of the time you lied to cover it all up without blinking an eye
i remember you feeling alone and empty
and thinking a warm body in your bed would make the pain go away for the night
i know you made mistakes
and all the guilt and shame you felt never helped you to heal
i know you picked up so many broken pieces of your life
it was your fault it happened the way that it did
i remember, "you made your bed, now lie in it"
and even though you knew you did it, it never made it any easier to swallow
i know you tried to drown your conscience with booze
it was the only way you could ever sleep, a moment to make everything stop
and god do i know how many times you flashed a smile to hide the skeletons in your closet
i know you were lost
but do you realize you were broken down to ugly rumors
most false, but some true, and some may still linger
remember, you have no one to blame but yourself
i know you cried, oh, so many nights
and you held yourself because you left yourself with no one
you were the queen of burning bridges
but i need you to know, i do not hate you
i sometimes wish we could go back and fix the chaos you set into motion time and time again
but i do not regret anything you did
for so long i thought i would never be rid of you
a hurricane of poor decisions and tears
i know your faults and many imperfections shaped me
but it took years of hurt on your heart, lies and deceit, more sleepless nights
promises that you made over and over to yourself, mostly broken ones
but one day you kept your promise to change
and that turned the page to make me who i am now.
i thought i had forgiven you a long time ago
but i guess i never did
so, tonight, i write to you
please know, i do not hate you and i forgive you
from,
29 year old me
2014