I sat down with the Devil one night
And opened my heart to him
Let him know that things had gotten worse since the last time we had spoke
I poured us both a drink and sat down
Whispered into his ear all about my life
I told him I was too scared to speak to loudly
Because I didn't want anyone else to hear
I spit out words through clenched teeth
And choked on truths I didn't want to keep
Tears dripped down my face
While he tried to catch them one by one
Silently screaming into the void
Only to feel my throat burn and my soul shatter
I told him about the day my cat died
And how life was breaking me into pieces
How I couldn't be in my home
Because the silence was deafening
I told him about the sleepless nights
And how every time I walk out the door
I have to put my skin on to deal with the world
We finished our first drink, so I poured us another
This time a little stronger to help with the pain in my bones
I told him about the bruises
And the the countless fake smiles
How I'm constantly wading in raging waters, so cold and deep
Barely keeping my head above the waves
Inhaling water into my lungs every time I go under
Hoping that things might finally go dark
And I might finally feel peace
I told him about the night you shoved your tongue in my mouth and held me down
And all I could taste was blood and anger
How I was filled with fury inside
But paralyzed by fear
I told him about when I tried to say 'I love you '
But was instead met with utter silence and a blank stare
And how a part of me died that night
How it made me feel like I will never be loved
I told him about the letter I tried to write you
But how my pen kept running out of ink
And how I couldn't leave without saying goodbye
How my unlined words barely scratched the paper
So I was left to shove the words back down my throat to save for another day
Waking up and not wanting to face myself
How I walk through life and not really living
Just wandering hopelessly in a haze of pushed down emotions
I unzipped the dark corners of my heart
And laid them out one by one on the table
With bruises on my hands and holes in my knees
I neatly organized them by which one made me die most on the inside
The graveyard of my past
I sat across the table from the Devil and told him
I was trying to play pretend so that it will all get better
I told him everything
And I made the Devil cry
