Enjoy The Fall.

i look at you

and i see 

a beautiful bare canvas. 

if you look up

you'll see that

the clouds 

right above us 

want to spill all their colours 

d
o
w
n   

on us.

all we have to do

is dare them

and let the rain 

f
a
l
l

and enjoy.

Life.

Life is sweet.

Life is good.

Old News From 2014

So many things creep through my mind. 

It's like slow and sticky syrup. 

Things aren't coming out like they should. 

Just caught up in the mix in my mind.

Things aren't as easy as they once were. 

It's making life seem unwholesome and tiring. 

I've found myself on a journey of self discovery. 

And I'm starting to realize sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself. 

Dear October, It's Me Again.

Dear October,

We meet again.
Your all to familiar breeze that stops my heart came blowing past my face a few weeks ago.
You're helping the trees take off their clothes.
I watch the leaves swirl around me and go on to better days.
You left them cold and trembling in the air.
No more warmth when you're around.
You took the stars from my eyes, again.
It's a funny thing how you taught me to put on a face so no one would know the truth.
People see so much strength.
I am weak, believe it or not.

She crushed me again, you know.
The Universe.
And I blame you, it's always you.
She crushed my soul in that goddamn desert, again.
Just this time not with the same happiness of crushing love.
I couldn't look up into the snow globe sky without the heaviest weight on my chest.
So heavy.
I couldn't breathe.
Stifling.
Suffocating.
The last time I was there you let me fall in love.
Soul crushing love.
Tears falling, love.
Never felt that before love.
Don't take this away from me.

All I could do was collapse into the sand and rock while the past oceans swam around me in the dark.
All I could hear was my heart pounding out of my chest.
My breath trying to escape my lungs but it barely could between the sobs.
I fell down to my knees at 3am and howled at the moon.
I know what it is to be broken and torn from the inside out, thanks to you.
I had nothing to hold while I was letting go; 
not a heart, not a soul, not a hand, not even me.

I woke to violent shakes; I thought there was an earthquake,
I don't know if it was the dreams or my emotions, but it happened more than once.
I remember tumbling down a cliff and that was it.
Nothing: I woke up alone in a cold tent and scared to death.
I left a piece of me back there. 
It was like blood in my mouth and skin under my nails.
I hope you're happy with yourself.

My chest is tight from running.
I'm tired of running.
I'm trying.
Trying so hard.
I don't want to run anymore.

What is happening?
Where did the colors go?
When I close my eyes all I see is black and white.

Where did the colors go?
All the blues and greens.
Softness in the air
Flowers in my hair.

Where did the colors go?
The exhale of clouds in the cold.
Where did the colors go?
Autumn reds and golds.
My heart to hold..

Where did the colors go?
The bone color of your skin
The lakes in your eyes.
Where did the colors go?
My wine stained lips pressing yours, so soft.
My heart yearns; it's so raw, from lack of touch.

Dear October, 
I'm tired of meeting you like this year after year,
Winter is hard enough without your help.

Maybe if I try hard enough we can make it to the other side,
Maybe if you try hard enough we can make it to the other side,
Maybe if we try hard enough we can make it.
Help me get the stars back in my eyes,
I've been holding yours like treasures.
Let's make a map back to one another.
We've gone too far to give up now.
This only happens once in a lifetime.

Dear October,
Please don't crush me, again.

I AM MISS [not so] PERFECT

Hear me roar.
Laugh, scream, or....cry.
It really depends on what day it is.

This is for all the mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, sisters, lovers, whomever really....
who forget...
It's okay to NOT be perfect. 
Truth is that is what makes us perfect, our flaws.

How often do you get to be you? 
The you you can really be, the one when no one is around.
When no one is watching you. 

I know we have those people we feel comfortable around but I know we are all a little different when we are by ourselves. 

It's also okay to feel like you're out of control. 
It's okay to dance in the kitchen and sing into a spoon.
Pretend you know what you're doing when you try to do yoga.
Talk to your pet about your day and ask them about theirs.
Smell your underwear and socks to make sure they are clean.
Cry into a pillow only to stop to eat ice cream.
Drink alone on a Saturday afternoon just because you want to.

How many things do you hide from the world around you?
How many times have you just put on a smile and faked it?
How many times have you been perfect when in reality you are the furthest thing from it?

Stop trying to be perfect. You are just the way you are supposed to be.

Don't feel bad for crying and not knowing why. 
You are human and you are allowed to be angry or sad.   
You can laugh and smile for no reason.
You can have a bad day.
You can have an amazing day, with no rhyme or reason.
You are allowed to feel emotions. 
You are allowed to be.

You're allowed to want a cheeseburger on a Wednesday night and say fuck the dishes.
You can sleep all day if you want. 
Eat all the Doritos if you want...no one is judging you.
Drink that whole bottle of wine if you want..no one is judging you.
Sleep until 1pm...no one is judging you.
Cry to get it off your chest..whatever it is..get it out.
Cry to the heavens, scream if you must.
It's okay. You are perfect, even if tears are streaming down your face.
Remember, you are allowed to be.

I am declaring that we all be the not so perfects that we are meant to be.
I am embracing my inner lioness and I have NO shame.
I am roaring today.
Roaring loudly with my strange sunburned shoulders, blemishes on my face, my chipped nail polish, and stained shirt. I am roaring today and tomorrow and hopefully the next.
If I falter and forget that I am perfect, guess what, I'll still be perfect, and so will you.

So lay down your worries, stop trying so hard.
You are beautiful.
You are real.
You will always be good enough.
Love your freckles
Love your scars
Love your laugh lines
Love your skin
Love your big feet
Love your frizzy hair
Love yourself.

You are not so perfect and world loves you for that.
Always stay imperfect.

Golden Lions, Green Fields, & Drippy Thoughts.

Where do we go at the end of the day?

Where do all the wild ones roam?
Where do all the lone souls go?

Here is to all the empty hearts that wait.
Here is to all the full hearts that ache.

To all the free ones...
To all the tamed ones...

To all the golden lions who are tangled in their own manes
The ones so wild they are blinded by the sweat in their eyes
Who's hands are trapped from their claws being buried so deep into the earth...

To all the bodies and spirits lying in fields of green
Feeling the world spin by as they are paused in time
Watching the clouds drift by as flowers push through their chests...

Here is to the rambling of thoughts that will never see paper
To the writers that could never pick up the pen to get it out
May this essence drip into your ears and come out as paintings in your mind.
If only we could all be so lucky...

Here's to you and all the parts of you that are colored 
To all the shades of the ocean depths you feel 
All the blues and blurs and salty swirls
I look at you and see colors I never thought existed...


To all of our umber washed out notes...
Feeling half of being whole...


To all the tamed ones.
To all the free ones.

Here is to all the full hearts that ache.
Here is to all the empty hearts that wait.

Where do all the lone souls go?
Where do all the wild ones roam?

Where do we go at the end of the day?

Ten Thousand.

White.

Blue. 

Simple moves. 

Simple fabrics on which I've touched ten thousand times. 

Slowly ripples up and out. 

Ten thousand lines I cannot count. 

Sweet warmth of feather wrap around. 

Ten thousand thoughts come dripping down...

Ten thousand words I've yet to write...

I'll slowly wait for them to come to light. 

Why Contemplate?

Late night head is buzzing.

Contemplating life for nothing.

What The Fuck Have We Done To Ourselves?

What has happened to our dating culture?
Shouldn't it be love/like/care openly...whatever it is you feel, feel it? 
It's not quite like that, now is it?

I've been single for over a year now.
I've met countless guys, men, and fuck boys..(yes, there is a difference.)
I've went on dates, had coffee, made dinner, went for hikes, and had dinner made for me. 
I've met amazing people and then I've met people that made me want to gouge my eyes out.
I've suffered through god awful conversations and had some great laughs as well.
I'm getting somewhere with all of this though..
Something has happened to our generation and it's actually pretty pathetic.
It's like everyone is just these sex crazed animals and judgmental assholes.
Which don't get me wrong is fine if that's what you're into but what happened to talking?
What happened to the act of getting to know someone?
What happened to the act of getting to know one person, not five at the same time?
What happened to calling someone back after a good night? 
(like a legit goodnight, not a one-sided "I think it went well night.") 
We are to busy passing our feelings over pictures on social media or with drunken slurs over loud music in bars. We live in a dating generation of texting, lies, sexting, and one night stands....
What the fuck have we done to ourselves?

In a time when we can't even spend one night with someone without picking up a phone to check a call, a text, or some sort of social media...our dating lives are only going to get worse from here if we're not careful.  
We get judged for spending too much time getting ready and are labeled as high maintenance. 
On the other hand, if we spend too little time getting ready, we don't care about ourselves or get labeled as a slob.  
If we sleep with someone too soon, we're a slut..If we wait, we're a prude. 
No one can be themselves and I don't know why.
People are afraid to show their true colors...
It's like you have to put on this mask to meet people. 
What the fuck do you want from us?! 
What is right and wrong now-a-days?
I'm pretty sure we need a dating handbook...

My past relationship came to a point where our roads diverged, 
Now I'm treading this single dating road and it's a goddamned nightmare. 
Maybe I just forgot what it was like, but I'd put money on it that it wasn't like this four years ago...Not that I remember anyway...
I met a guy at a friends house, super rad dude, we hit it off, so we swapped numbers.
The first text I get is one saying how do I feel about a guy waiting three days to text after you get a number. 
I called bullshit. I said it was stupid. 
What is this 3 day waiting rule? Bullshit.
If you like someone go for it. What the fuck is the big deal? 
Guess what, we texted very rarely. 
I now know why...
I found out he has a girlfriend...
What is wrong with you guy?! 
If you're unhappy get out...Don't settle.
But most certainly, don't cheat, even emotionally, and don't make me out to be the homewrecker.

In a time where people literally jump from relationship to relationship claiming love, obsession, or whatever the fuck it is you think you feel...some people are forgetting who they are.
Women have become more forward...it's like men forgot how to do anything. 
We are approachable, I promise.
If we don't want to talk, you'll know, I promise.
However, I've never seen a more sensitive generation of guys in my life.
You get offended because I say I don't want to meet up with you tonight?
Please, grow up fuck boy.

Who is supposed to text or call who? 
Are you waiting for me to text you again? 
Because I don't chase people. 
If I reach out and you don't respond. That's on you.
You're not about to make me out to be the clingy and needy girl.  
Communication works both ways.
And THAT my friends is the problem...
Communication is gone..Completely and 100% disappeared. 
Everyone talks about how they want a relationship or a family one day but you can't even make the effort to return a phone call or a text..that is something strange to me. 
And you are supposed to have a relationship, how??
Please enlighten me...

So do me a favor single people of the world..Let your intentions be known. 
Don't string people along. 
Its okay to say you only want to be friends or fuck buddies or to say that you don't want a relationship, but don't pretend you do only to break someone later down the road. 
Don't let someone invest their precious time into you when you know you have no plans of sticking around. 
One guy comes to mind when I think of this...
We spend weeks together and had talks of being together.
Wanting to see me when he could.
Spending the night..
Telling me over and over how he loved that he could open up to me.
Holding my hand and kissing me in public..
Even made a mention of buying me earrings one time (I don't wear them, it's the point I'm making) 
Only to come back and say he didn't want a relationship...
What the even fuck? 
Talk about being confused. 
My friends were even confused and they aren't even dating!

That is what I'm talking about though, what the fuck do you want from us?
Don't come at me with love sick eyes when you see me in person.
If you don't have time to build with me on a mental level.
Then you don't deserve me on a physical level.
Don't be afraid of commitment and certainly don't be a part of our fucked up dating generation.
If we don't start communicating and doing this right we are all going to end up alone and hating one another...Simple as that. 

I Have Loved Two Times & Said Goodbye Two Times.

So I thought long and hard before typing this all out.
Exposing one of my closest thoughts.
Baring my soul to you all.

==================

I have been in love, twice. 
With two humans from worlds apart. 
Yet, these loves ended so quickly we had barely started anything.

However, they were the deepest of loves I have ever felt.
Sure, I have loved others 
But never like this. 
These were different.

It was the same with both. Unexpected. 
Like a rush of the most pure adrenaline you've ever felt throughout your body. 
A flood.
A wave.
A fury of emotions unknown.

What makes these loves so much different from the rest is they were real and raw.
Soul shakers. 

Tears fell like waterfalls when we said our goodbyes.
Not because it ended but because it was more beautiful than ever expected.
I was changed after these loves.
I must also note they did not end bitterly 
but because it would only hurt too much to stay together. 
Too wild. Too free. 
Untamable. 

6 years apart I met these unbelievable souls. 

The first was an earth shattering experience.
My life forever changed. 
Our first day together was spent in the top of a magnolia tree. 
Winds whipping around us and all we could do was laugh. 
We spent many weekends together exploring one another and everything around us.   
He questioned my everything. My existence.
He would leave for months at a time.
We would live our lives like normally when we were apart.
Never calling or texting. 
He was exploring his life and I mine.
But when our spirits met it was like a supernova of colors and motion.
It was like we never skipped a beat.
The time and space made us only yearn for one another more.
I remember lying in a hammock talking about life while dripping cold water out of glasses on one another's shoulders for hours. I still miss the way he felt lying next to me..
I remember tracing our fingers together and not saying a word; we didn't have to.
We knew what the other was thinking.
I remember the last time I saw him I was reading words on his foggy bathroom mirror... 
Something about men and who we are as people followed by an embrace for the ages..
Him smelling of the ocean--sweet and salty. 
I do not know where he is now.
I sometimes wonder.
But never enough to wish he was here.
He is too busy taking in what the universe has to offer.
And who am I to stop that?
He taught me to enjoy life. 
To never take any single thing for granted.
Smile and question.
Live freely.
After our souls tangled together everything was better. 
I hold him closest to my heart.
My soulmate.


The second was very strange to me. 
How?
That is the question that continually popped into my head.
It was too soon. Too quick.
But I swore I knew him for a lifetime.
Dare I actually call it love? Maybe? Yes?
I don't know how else to describe it.
When two souls resonate?
Our how he put it..
Just floating on your cloud waiting for someone to float by..
And we just happened to float past one another.
He shook me to my core. 
It had been 6 years since I felt a connection like this.
I told him on multiple occasions he reminded me of someone.
I don't think I ever told him who though, I'm sure he had his guesses.
Our first day together we spent hours in a hammock; wrapped up together.
Sharing stories..telling tales..questioning..smiling.
We were hiding from the sun; his head on my foot, my legs wrapped around his; arms on legs; 
I remember lying there with him and after a while we both fell quiet.
It wasn't that awkward silence though, no.
It was peaceful.
It was the kind of feeling you get when you're comfortable and know you don't have to say a thing.
We napped together that day. 
Let ourselves fall to our most vulnerable states in our first hours.
We didn't spend too many nights together...but enough for me to know he was a rarity.
Conversations were food for thought. 
From colors to the moon to playing with food. 
Laughter brought tears. 
Drinking wine with mouths stained red. 
Playing music while singing out loud.
Our last night together we had dinner and talked about ourselves over tea.
I thanked him for the time we had and wished him only the best on his future journey. 
He did teach me gratitude more than I already knew.
He could tell I was upset and said he liked it but not in a way you would think.
I remember him telling me, he liked it because he knew what we had was real.
I fought tears back for hours until we were in my room and he held me as I let them free flow. 
It hurt to know I found someone like myself and yet we were on the eve of our farewell. 
We spent that night side by side just like our first day tangled together and without words.
The morning spilled though my window and we knew it was time..
Our last moment together was an embrace and a kiss followed by, "Goodbye, My Tigress."
Was calling it love too soon?
Couldn't be....
I had known him for a lifetime.


The beauty in these loves is they were unexpected.
Without any expectation.
Embracing all of it for what it was.
And even though they were short lived and are now gone... 
It does not lessen what was there.  
These moments are some that I will never forget.

I thank you both for loving me and giving me the chance to love you back.
Wherever you are, enjoy life.
I will do the same.