Water Puts Out Fire?

put that smile on 

(pretend and it will get better)

chest tight and face wet 

(with regret?)

palate swollen from deep breaths in

(drunk on gin)

eyes blurred from ocean waves 

(crashing onto my skin)

shaking out the numb

(let me feel something)

distant hum between my ears

(after thought)

i wish that tomorrow was yesterday 

(so that i could slip away)

you can want so badly to find a home in a heart
(pretend and it will get better)

it wasnt enough 

(to recklessly break off pieces of myself)

to hand them out like candy to see who thinks i taste the sweetest

(will you keep coming back for more?)

i'm sure i will find that even though i make you drip 

(from the corners of your mouth)
no roots 

more adventure

(other emotions) 

all make your chest explode with fire

i thought water always put out fires

(i guess i was wrong)

i am not your home to seek comfort   i am not the four walls of a beating heart  my body is not a place  for old bones to seek refuge  and i am no longer a graveyard for men  with tired and broken hearts searching for whatever it is they need   don't worry, i'll be fine... (this time)

You Flow Through Me

we 

stayed 

up 

all 

night....

our wine stained mouths

full of laughter

every word that fell 

from our lips

sticky with affection

we stop to see the lights in our eyes

as we count the twinkling stars in the sheeted sky

and feel the sparks in our hearts

from the comfort of the pillow floor

i close my eyes and think about the ocean

you flow through me

and we drown into one another

falling in love 

while we fall asleep... 

waking 

up

tangled 

in

you...

light dripping across the sheets 

and your sleepy eyes 

and soft smile

your easy kisses 

you flow through me

like drifting on the sea

slow fingers move over my body

like you're trying to find a city on a world map 

but marking all your favorite destinations along the way 

and writing novels on my skin with just your touch 

please, do touch.

our worlds are changing

can't you feel them? 

undressing?

slipping 

into 

something 

called 

love...

Crushed Cherry Mouth

chests pressed 

cause 

heavy breaths 

in this constant 

exchange of 

carbon dioxide

and my lungs 

keep searching 

for oxygen

in your kisses

just like my hands

keep searching

for your skin

against mine

and my 

crushed cherry mouth 

tight 

against yours

your tongue

slipping

in and out

reminds me

of the ocean

deep & wet

and i am 

20 days 

lost in it.

fingers slip

then

grasp and grip

each of us

craving our

wild

this night

a verse

of our summer

set in the

thick hot air

and you 

speak like 

a friend

and

touch like

an animal

and make me feel

like my crushed cherry mouth

is your last meal

Sadness.

Sunshine once crawled through my eyes and leaked out of the cracked windows.

We'll call that sadness.

The Last Thing I'll Ever Write For You.

i wrote a poem just for you.


i am spilling over with hate.
spitting the words out 
through mouthfuls of blood.


you are dinner plates shattered across the bedroom floor

burned blossoms of yesterday

sad sleepless nights

and an unfortunate memory.


i see the paint across your mouth, 
trying to cover all of your scars.
grief tied itself around your neck 
tightening every day 
as it creeps 
across 
your 
skin.


those thousands of hearts howling at night...none are for you..


ripped flesh--ribs pried open--heart crushed


remember this
when your wounds stop hurting 
you shouldn't fall in love. 


stay lonely.


your aches i no longer want to accommodate.
your voice at the back of my head, 
whispering, "how could you?"


easily, 
"fuck you."

A Letter To You.

To you, so long ago,

i want you to know something
i do not hate you

i know you tried
it was the best that you knew how, young and scared, not wanting to fail
i know you faked it most days
"fake it 'til you make it" was your mantra every morning while you smeared on your eyeliner
i know you watched 4am click onto your clock almost every night, tired
the glowing green light illuminated your garbage bag eyes and buzzing head
i remember after work you making it to bed
only to fall asleep with your shoes on because of all the sleepless nights you fought.
i know sometimes you were wrong
lets be honest, you were wrong a lot, and most of the time you lied to cover it all up without blinking an eye
i remember you feeling alone and empty
and thinking a warm body in your bed would make the pain go away for the night
i know you made mistakes
and all the guilt and shame you felt never helped you to heal
i know you picked up so many broken pieces of your life
it was your fault it happened the way that it did
i remember, "you made your bed, now lie in it"
and even though you knew you did it, it never made it any easier to swallow
i know you tried to drown your conscience with booze
it was the only way you could ever sleep, a moment to make everything stop
and god do i know how many times you flashed a smile to hide the skeletons in your closet
i know you were lost
but do you realize you were broken down to ugly rumors
most false, but some true, and some may still linger
remember, you have no one to blame but yourself
i know you cried, oh, so many nights
and you held yourself because you left yourself with no one
you were the queen of burning bridges

but i need you to know, i do not hate you
i sometimes wish we could go back and fix the chaos you set into motion time and time again
but i do not regret anything you did

for so long i thought i would never be rid of you
a hurricane of poor decisions and tears
i know your faults and many imperfections shaped me
but it took years of hurt on your heart, lies and deceit, more sleepless nights
promises that you made over and over to yourself, mostly broken ones
but one day you kept your promise to change
and that turned the page to make me who i am now.
i thought i had forgiven you a long time ago
but i guess i never did

so, tonight, i write to you
please know, i do not hate you and i forgive you

from,
29 year old me

2014

And Something About Love Probably Goes Here.

I remember you vividly in the corners of my mind
The dusty memories of my past lying at your feet, 
And you without a care in the world.
I took my time to take you in, 
Holding your gaze, just so.
Our muscles both tightened 
As soon as summer came, 
My crown of roses bloomed
My head and heart 
Became heavy...
With you.

I remember waking up
Opening my eyes with your arms around me, 
A certain softness in your hands on my chest.
The early morning lights 
Peaking through the curtains
And dancing on our skin.
I remember you, how could I forget?
Those heavy eyes and that deepened voice.
We are content our emotions laid to rest 
Between sticky skin and warm breath.

I keep looking to you... 
These perfect pictures in my mind 
You wearing my blankets and your bedroom smile
It was then that I felt summer slipping by
I took my time
Tracing your lips
Your fingertips
All of your forget me-nots.

I still remember you in the corners of my mind, 
Just flickering in and out.
You were right, 
Maybe, I needed my heart taming its wild in you.
And just like that, 
Summer had left as fast as it came.
That first breeze of (a) fall. 
And something about love probably goes here...

When Ghosts Carry Chains: You Drown

life took a swing and hit me right in the throat

knocked out any chance of words to help me heal
pinned me to the ground and shoved a hot nail straight through my chest
unable to move it took me apart piece by piece
first my happiness 
then my sanity
leaving me with nothing but the loud thoughts in my head

this constant noise.
this constant banging.
God, make it stop

i cant see past the oceans streaming down my face
and i cant breathe for the waves continually crashing into my mouth
salt water
salt water
salty fucking water

i cant swim because my legs don't work anymore
i cant even keep my head up

life has me trapped under a glass and its been plucking my wings off one by one for the last decade.

what do you do when there is no way out
what do you do when you are drowning in the middle of an ocean

how am i so okay to pretend that life is fine
when every bit of it is not
all my thoughts hanging around like ghosts
dragging their chains
its so fucking loud 

they say God is good but where is He now?

hello? 
God? 
i'm sitting here licking my wounds!
screaming for you!  
do you see me now?
why cant you see me?

where are you?

if you spoke these words would anyone hear me?
can you hear my heart beat as you read this?

because i cant feel it anymore...

Open Mouth Promises

Breathe in...
Breathe out...
I'm waiting for you to tempt me...
I keep remembering that your open mouth has promises to keep.
Tell me all your secrets with your tongue and I'll whisper back with mine. 

You turn me inside out and leave my skin on the floor. 
A bag of bones and a hint of want is all that's left..
Wait, was that me or you that was left empty?
How senseless is all of this?

I thought this would get easier..
I think they lied to my face..
And now I can't stop staring at the ceiling.
Can't stop craving a feeling...
Any feeling...
But mainly, the healing I find in those open mouth promises.

Your voice is still a ghost that haunts my walls. 
I'm waiting to be swallowed whole by the sound. 
The quiet tick as seconds pass.
They start to swallow me whole.
I thought I saw you reflected on my skin.
It wasn't you, just memories missed.

Its been a while...
Since I felt you. 
Its been a while... 
Since I saw you.
Its been a while... 
Since I tasted you.
Its been a while... 
Since I felt this cold
And now...
I don't know where else to go.
Because I don't want to leave you.

I've lost myself...
And now I'm gone to find her.
Will you hold my place until I return?
I promise I'll be back later
But with a sharpened tongue that you won't remember. 

All I can think of is that open mouth, talking to me. 
Open mouth, swallowing me whole.
I keep wishing it was the ocean...
Swallowing me whole...
Oh, to drown quickly instead of one drop at a time.

When the night is over, how is it that I will be the last to know..
That I did this all to myself...

The hurricane that I am,
Damned to destroyed it all..
All for the taste of rush, of love, of your open mouth promises.

I Am The Sad Girl: Ink Thoughts: Journal Entry: September 2017

I find myself here.

Year to year facing myself over and over again.
I am coming to find that I am the sad girl.
The girl who finds beauty in everything especially the things that try to break me.

The breeze blowing the leaves, the smell of rain, Iron & Wine drifting through the air.
Flowers as they slowly fade to fall.

The ignored words of mine that fell flat to you and the raised voice of yours over mine.
Even with these things...
I have hope of what once was.

I'm holding on but my fingers are losing grip with time.

I am an ocean hidden behind lipstick and eyeliner.
A tsunami of blues and swirls..
And even though I am an ocean, I often find myself drowning in my own skin.
Gasping for air behind my smile.

I am the girl who tripped over the boy and cracked my heart wide open.
I am the girl who was too often left picking up the pieces alone.
Truth be told, some of those pieces are now dust.

I am the girl who has had too many face to faces with 1am..
Then 2am...
Followed by 3am...
The hours of thinkers and poets 
But also the hour of the heart broken.

I am the forced smile by day and chaotic cries by night.
I am the chatter in my mind that keeps saying, "You'll be okay."
I am the strength because I have to be.
I am the pick me up of everyone around me but I am so broken,

I am the girl who has cried rivers over hearts gone 
And over hearts that never deserved a single tear.

I am the girl who can serve the most eloquent words to your ears 
But with everyone said...
I am choking.
But you would never know.

I am the girl who holds my head highest to everyone around
But no one sees it for the act that it is. 

I am the sad girl.
The one that has fallen apart.

I've filled the cracks of myself with pages of books that mean something to me.
I've cleaned off the dirt with glasses of wine.
I've held my head on straight with ropes that half way keep me grounded..

I am the sad girl...
But you...
You would never know it.