A Letter To You.

To you, so long ago,

i want you to know something
i do not hate you

i know you tried
it was the best that you knew how, young and scared, not wanting to fail
i know you faked it most days
"fake it 'til you make it" was your mantra every morning while you smeared on your eyeliner
i know you watched 4am click onto your clock almost every night, tired
the glowing green light illuminated your garbage bag eyes and buzzing head
i remember after work you making it to bed
only to fall asleep with your shoes on because of all the sleepless nights you fought.
i know sometimes you were wrong
lets be honest, you were wrong a lot, and most of the time you lied to cover it all up without blinking an eye
i remember you feeling alone and empty
and thinking a warm body in your bed would make the pain go away for the night
i know you made mistakes
and all the guilt and shame you felt never helped you to heal
i know you picked up so many broken pieces of your life
it was your fault it happened the way that it did
i remember, "you made your bed, now lie in it"
and even though you knew you did it, it never made it any easier to swallow
i know you tried to drown your conscience with booze
it was the only way you could ever sleep, a moment to make everything stop
and god do i know how many times you flashed a smile to hide the skeletons in your closet
i know you were lost
but do you realize you were broken down to ugly rumors
most false, but some true, and some may still linger
remember, you have no one to blame but yourself
i know you cried, oh, so many nights
and you held yourself because you left yourself with no one
you were the queen of burning bridges

but i need you to know, i do not hate you
i sometimes wish we could go back and fix the chaos you set into motion time and time again
but i do not regret anything you did

for so long i thought i would never be rid of you
a hurricane of poor decisions and tears
i know your faults and many imperfections shaped me
but it took years of hurt on your heart, lies and deceit, more sleepless nights
promises that you made over and over to yourself, mostly broken ones
but one day you kept your promise to change
and that turned the page to make me who i am now.
i thought i had forgiven you a long time ago
but i guess i never did

so, tonight, i write to you
please know, i do not hate you and i forgive you

from,
29 year old me

2014

And Something About Love Probably Goes Here.

I remember you vividly in the corners of my mind
The dusty memories of my past lying at your feet, 
And you without a care in the world.
I took my time to take you in, 
Holding your gaze, just so.
Our muscles both tightened 
As soon as summer came, 
My crown of roses bloomed
My head and heart 
Became heavy...
With you.

I remember waking up
Opening my eyes with your arms around me, 
A certain softness in your hands on my chest.
The early morning lights 
Peaking through the curtains
And dancing on our skin.
I remember you, how could I forget?
Those heavy eyes and that deepened voice.
We are content our emotions laid to rest 
Between sticky skin and warm breath.

I keep looking to you... 
These perfect pictures in my mind 
You wearing my blankets and your bedroom smile
It was then that I felt summer slipping by
I took my time
Tracing your lips
Your fingertips
All of your forget me-nots.

I still remember you in the corners of my mind, 
Just flickering in and out.
You were right, 
Maybe, I needed my heart taming its wild in you.
And just like that, 
Summer had left as fast as it came.
That first breeze of (a) fall. 
And something about love probably goes here...

When Ghosts Carry Chains: You Drown

life took a swing and hit me right in the throat

knocked out any chance of words to help me heal
pinned me to the ground and shoved a hot nail straight through my chest
unable to move it took me apart piece by piece
first my happiness 
then my sanity
leaving me with nothing but the loud thoughts in my head

this constant noise.
this constant banging.
God, make it stop

i cant see past the oceans streaming down my face
and i cant breathe for the waves continually crashing into my mouth
salt water
salt water
salty fucking water

i cant swim because my legs don't work anymore
i cant even keep my head up

life has me trapped under a glass and its been plucking my wings off one by one for the last decade.

what do you do when there is no way out
what do you do when you are drowning in the middle of an ocean

how am i so okay to pretend that life is fine
when every bit of it is not
all my thoughts hanging around like ghosts
dragging their chains
its so fucking loud 

they say God is good but where is He now?

hello? 
God? 
i'm sitting here licking my wounds!
screaming for you!  
do you see me now?
why cant you see me?

where are you?

if you spoke these words would anyone hear me?
can you hear my heart beat as you read this?

because i cant feel it anymore...

Open Mouth Promises

Breathe in...
Breathe out...
I'm waiting for you to tempt me...
I keep remembering that your open mouth has promises to keep.
Tell me all your secrets with your tongue and I'll whisper back with mine. 

You turn me inside out and leave my skin on the floor. 
A bag of bones and a hint of want is all that's left..
Wait, was that me or you that was left empty?
How senseless is all of this?

I thought this would get easier..
I think they lied to my face..
And now I can't stop staring at the ceiling.
Can't stop craving a feeling...
Any feeling...
But mainly, the healing I find in those open mouth promises.

Your voice is still a ghost that haunts my walls. 
I'm waiting to be swallowed whole by the sound. 
The quiet tick as seconds pass.
They start to swallow me whole.
I thought I saw you reflected on my skin.
It wasn't you, just memories missed.

Its been a while...
Since I felt you. 
Its been a while... 
Since I saw you.
Its been a while... 
Since I tasted you.
Its been a while... 
Since I felt this cold
And now...
I don't know where else to go.
Because I don't want to leave you.

I've lost myself...
And now I'm gone to find her.
Will you hold my place until I return?
I promise I'll be back later
But with a sharpened tongue that you won't remember. 

All I can think of is that open mouth, talking to me. 
Open mouth, swallowing me whole.
I keep wishing it was the ocean...
Swallowing me whole...
Oh, to drown quickly instead of one drop at a time.

When the night is over, how is it that I will be the last to know..
That I did this all to myself...

The hurricane that I am,
Damned to destroyed it all..
All for the taste of rush, of love, of your open mouth promises.

I Am The Sad Girl: Ink Thoughts: Journal Entry: September 2017

I find myself here.

Year to year facing myself over and over again.
I am coming to find that I am the sad girl.
The girl who finds beauty in everything especially the things that try to break me.

The breeze blowing the leaves, the smell of rain, Iron & Wine drifting through the air.
Flowers as they slowly fade to fall.

The ignored words of mine that fell flat to you and the raised voice of yours over mine.
Even with these things...
I have hope of what once was.

I'm holding on but my fingers are losing grip with time.

I am an ocean hidden behind lipstick and eyeliner.
A tsunami of blues and swirls..
And even though I am an ocean, I often find myself drowning in my own skin.
Gasping for air behind my smile.

I am the girl who tripped over the boy and cracked my heart wide open.
I am the girl who was too often left picking up the pieces alone.
Truth be told, some of those pieces are now dust.

I am the girl who has had too many face to faces with 1am..
Then 2am...
Followed by 3am...
The hours of thinkers and poets 
But also the hour of the heart broken.

I am the forced smile by day and chaotic cries by night.
I am the chatter in my mind that keeps saying, "You'll be okay."
I am the strength because I have to be.
I am the pick me up of everyone around me but I am so broken,

I am the girl who has cried rivers over hearts gone 
And over hearts that never deserved a single tear.

I am the girl who can serve the most eloquent words to your ears 
But with everyone said...
I am choking.
But you would never know.

I am the girl who holds my head highest to everyone around
But no one sees it for the act that it is. 

I am the sad girl.
The one that has fallen apart.

I've filled the cracks of myself with pages of books that mean something to me.
I've cleaned off the dirt with glasses of wine.
I've held my head on straight with ropes that half way keep me grounded..

I am the sad girl...
But you...
You would never know it.

Ink Thoughts: September 2017: Journal Entry

You ask what colors I kiss in...

I'm not sure if I even remember.

It used to be vivid and bold...endless colors.

Colors from sunset evenings and cool ocean waves.

Everything swirling in and over one another melting into a perfect dream.

You ask what colors I kiss in..

I know I don't remember anymore.

Slow, faded, and foggy greys that drip down like honey..

To slow to care anymore.

Enjoy The Fall.

i look at you

and i see 

a beautiful bare canvas. 

if you look up

you'll see that

the clouds 

right above us 

want to spill all their colours 

d
o
w
n   

on us.

all we have to do

is dare them

and let the rain 

f
a
l
l

and enjoy.

Life.

Life is sweet.

Life is good.

Old News From 2014

So many things creep through my mind. 

It's like slow and sticky syrup. 

Things aren't coming out like they should. 

Just caught up in the mix in my mind.

Things aren't as easy as they once were. 

It's making life seem unwholesome and tiring. 

I've found myself on a journey of self discovery. 

And I'm starting to realize sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself. 

Dear October, It's Me Again.

Dear October,

We meet again.
Your all to familiar breeze that stops my heart came blowing past my face a few weeks ago.
You're helping the trees take off their clothes.
I watch the leaves swirl around me and go on to better days.
You left them cold and trembling in the air.
No more warmth when you're around.
You took the stars from my eyes, again.
It's a funny thing how you taught me to put on a face so no one would know the truth.
People see so much strength.
I am weak, believe it or not.

She crushed me again, you know.
The Universe.
And I blame you, it's always you.
She crushed my soul in that goddamn desert, again.
Just this time not with the same happiness of crushing love.
I couldn't look up into the snow globe sky without the heaviest weight on my chest.
So heavy.
I couldn't breathe.
Stifling.
Suffocating.
The last time I was there you let me fall in love.
Soul crushing love.
Tears falling, love.
Never felt that before love.
Don't take this away from me.

All I could do was collapse into the sand and rock while the past oceans swam around me in the dark.
All I could hear was my heart pounding out of my chest.
My breath trying to escape my lungs but it barely could between the sobs.
I fell down to my knees at 3am and howled at the moon.
I know what it is to be broken and torn from the inside out, thanks to you.
I had nothing to hold while I was letting go; 
not a heart, not a soul, not a hand, not even me.

I woke to violent shakes; I thought there was an earthquake,
I don't know if it was the dreams or my emotions, but it happened more than once.
I remember tumbling down a cliff and that was it.
Nothing: I woke up alone in a cold tent and scared to death.
I left a piece of me back there. 
It was like blood in my mouth and skin under my nails.
I hope you're happy with yourself.

My chest is tight from running.
I'm tired of running.
I'm trying.
Trying so hard.
I don't want to run anymore.

What is happening?
Where did the colors go?
When I close my eyes all I see is black and white.

Where did the colors go?
All the blues and greens.
Softness in the air
Flowers in my hair.

Where did the colors go?
The exhale of clouds in the cold.
Where did the colors go?
Autumn reds and golds.
My heart to hold..

Where did the colors go?
The bone color of your skin
The lakes in your eyes.
Where did the colors go?
My wine stained lips pressing yours, so soft.
My heart yearns; it's so raw, from lack of touch.

Dear October, 
I'm tired of meeting you like this year after year,
Winter is hard enough without your help.

Maybe if I try hard enough we can make it to the other side,
Maybe if you try hard enough we can make it to the other side,
Maybe if we try hard enough we can make it.
Help me get the stars back in my eyes,
I've been holding yours like treasures.
Let's make a map back to one another.
We've gone too far to give up now.
This only happens once in a lifetime.

Dear October,
Please don't crush me, again.