Golden Lions, Green Fields, & Drippy Thoughts.

Where do we go at the end of the day?

Where do all the wild ones roam?
Where do all the lone souls go?

Here is to all the empty hearts that wait.
Here is to all the full hearts that ache.

To all the free ones...
To all the tamed ones...

To all the golden lions who are tangled in their own manes
The ones so wild they are blinded by the sweat in their eyes
Who's hands are trapped from their claws being buried so deep into the earth...

To all the bodies and spirits lying in fields of green
Feeling the world spin by as they are paused in time
Watching the clouds drift by as flowers push through their chests...

Here is to the rambling of thoughts that will never see paper
To the writers that could never pick up the pen to get it out
May this essence drip into your ears and come out as paintings in your mind.
If only we could all be so lucky...

Here's to you and all the parts of you that are colored 
To all the shades of the ocean depths you feel 
All the blues and blurs and salty swirls
I look at you and see colors I never thought existed...


To all of our umber washed out notes...
Feeling half of being whole...


To all the tamed ones.
To all the free ones.

Here is to all the full hearts that ache.
Here is to all the empty hearts that wait.

Where do all the lone souls go?
Where do all the wild ones roam?

Where do we go at the end of the day?

Ten Thousand.

White.

Blue. 

Simple moves. 

Simple fabrics on which I've touched ten thousand times. 

Slowly ripples up and out. 

Ten thousand lines I cannot count. 

Sweet warmth of feather wrap around. 

Ten thousand thoughts come dripping down...

Ten thousand words I've yet to write...

I'll slowly wait for them to come to light. 

Why Contemplate?

Late night head is buzzing.

Contemplating life for nothing.

What The Fuck Have We Done To Ourselves?

What has happened to our dating culture?
Shouldn't it be love/like/care openly...whatever it is you feel, feel it? 
It's not quite like that, now is it?

I've been single for over a year now.
I've met countless guys, men, and fuck boys..(yes, there is a difference.)
I've went on dates, had coffee, made dinner, went for hikes, and had dinner made for me. 
I've met amazing people and then I've met people that made me want to gouge my eyes out.
I've suffered through god awful conversations and had some great laughs as well.
I'm getting somewhere with all of this though..
Something has happened to our generation and it's actually pretty pathetic.
It's like everyone is just these sex crazed animals and judgmental assholes.
Which don't get me wrong is fine if that's what you're into but what happened to talking?
What happened to the act of getting to know someone?
What happened to the act of getting to know one person, not five at the same time?
What happened to calling someone back after a good night? 
(like a legit goodnight, not a one-sided "I think it went well night.") 
We are to busy passing our feelings over pictures on social media or with drunken slurs over loud music in bars. We live in a dating generation of texting, lies, sexting, and one night stands....
What the fuck have we done to ourselves?

In a time when we can't even spend one night with someone without picking up a phone to check a call, a text, or some sort of social media...our dating lives are only going to get worse from here if we're not careful.  
We get judged for spending too much time getting ready and are labeled as high maintenance. 
On the other hand, if we spend too little time getting ready, we don't care about ourselves or get labeled as a slob.  
If we sleep with someone too soon, we're a slut..If we wait, we're a prude. 
No one can be themselves and I don't know why.
People are afraid to show their true colors...
It's like you have to put on this mask to meet people. 
What the fuck do you want from us?! 
What is right and wrong now-a-days?
I'm pretty sure we need a dating handbook...

My past relationship came to a point where our roads diverged, 
Now I'm treading this single dating road and it's a goddamned nightmare. 
Maybe I just forgot what it was like, but I'd put money on it that it wasn't like this four years ago...Not that I remember anyway...
I met a guy at a friends house, super rad dude, we hit it off, so we swapped numbers.
The first text I get is one saying how do I feel about a guy waiting three days to text after you get a number. 
I called bullshit. I said it was stupid. 
What is this 3 day waiting rule? Bullshit.
If you like someone go for it. What the fuck is the big deal? 
Guess what, we texted very rarely. 
I now know why...
I found out he has a girlfriend...
What is wrong with you guy?! 
If you're unhappy get out...Don't settle.
But most certainly, don't cheat, even emotionally, and don't make me out to be the homewrecker.

In a time where people literally jump from relationship to relationship claiming love, obsession, or whatever the fuck it is you think you feel...some people are forgetting who they are.
Women have become more forward...it's like men forgot how to do anything. 
We are approachable, I promise.
If we don't want to talk, you'll know, I promise.
However, I've never seen a more sensitive generation of guys in my life.
You get offended because I say I don't want to meet up with you tonight?
Please, grow up fuck boy.

Who is supposed to text or call who? 
Are you waiting for me to text you again? 
Because I don't chase people. 
If I reach out and you don't respond. That's on you.
You're not about to make me out to be the clingy and needy girl.  
Communication works both ways.
And THAT my friends is the problem...
Communication is gone..Completely and 100% disappeared. 
Everyone talks about how they want a relationship or a family one day but you can't even make the effort to return a phone call or a text..that is something strange to me. 
And you are supposed to have a relationship, how??
Please enlighten me...

So do me a favor single people of the world..Let your intentions be known. 
Don't string people along. 
Its okay to say you only want to be friends or fuck buddies or to say that you don't want a relationship, but don't pretend you do only to break someone later down the road. 
Don't let someone invest their precious time into you when you know you have no plans of sticking around. 
One guy comes to mind when I think of this...
We spend weeks together and had talks of being together.
Wanting to see me when he could.
Spending the night..
Telling me over and over how he loved that he could open up to me.
Holding my hand and kissing me in public..
Even made a mention of buying me earrings one time (I don't wear them, it's the point I'm making) 
Only to come back and say he didn't want a relationship...
What the even fuck? 
Talk about being confused. 
My friends were even confused and they aren't even dating!

That is what I'm talking about though, what the fuck do you want from us?
Don't come at me with love sick eyes when you see me in person.
If you don't have time to build with me on a mental level.
Then you don't deserve me on a physical level.
Don't be afraid of commitment and certainly don't be a part of our fucked up dating generation.
If we don't start communicating and doing this right we are all going to end up alone and hating one another...Simple as that. 

I Have Loved Two Times & Said Goodbye Two Times.

So I thought long and hard before typing this all out.
Exposing one of my closest thoughts.
Baring my soul to you all.

==================

I have been in love, twice. 
With two humans from worlds apart. 
Yet, these loves ended so quickly we had barely started anything.

However, they were the deepest of loves I have ever felt.
Sure, I have loved others 
But never like this. 
These were different.

It was the same with both. Unexpected. 
Like a rush of the most pure adrenaline you've ever felt throughout your body. 
A flood.
A wave.
A fury of emotions unknown.

What makes these loves so much different from the rest is they were real and raw.
Soul shakers. 

Tears fell like waterfalls when we said our goodbyes.
Not because it ended but because it was more beautiful than ever expected.
I was changed after these loves.
I must also note they did not end bitterly 
but because it would only hurt too much to stay together. 
Too wild. Too free. 
Untamable. 

6 years apart I met these unbelievable souls. 

The first was an earth shattering experience.
My life forever changed. 
Our first day together was spent in the top of a magnolia tree. 
Winds whipping around us and all we could do was laugh. 
We spent many weekends together exploring one another and everything around us.   
He questioned my everything. My existence.
He would leave for months at a time.
We would live our lives like normally when we were apart.
Never calling or texting. 
He was exploring his life and I mine.
But when our spirits met it was like a supernova of colors and motion.
It was like we never skipped a beat.
The time and space made us only yearn for one another more.
I remember lying in a hammock talking about life while dripping cold water out of glasses on one another's shoulders for hours. I still miss the way he felt lying next to me..
I remember tracing our fingers together and not saying a word; we didn't have to.
We knew what the other was thinking.
I remember the last time I saw him I was reading words on his foggy bathroom mirror... 
Something about men and who we are as people followed by an embrace for the ages..
Him smelling of the ocean--sweet and salty. 
I do not know where he is now.
I sometimes wonder.
But never enough to wish he was here.
He is too busy taking in what the universe has to offer.
And who am I to stop that?
He taught me to enjoy life. 
To never take any single thing for granted.
Smile and question.
Live freely.
After our souls tangled together everything was better. 
I hold him closest to my heart.
My soulmate.


The second was very strange to me. 
How?
That is the question that continually popped into my head.
It was too soon. Too quick.
But I swore I knew him for a lifetime.
Dare I actually call it love? Maybe? Yes?
I don't know how else to describe it.
When two souls resonate?
Our how he put it..
Just floating on your cloud waiting for someone to float by..
And we just happened to float past one another.
He shook me to my core. 
It had been 6 years since I felt a connection like this.
I told him on multiple occasions he reminded me of someone.
I don't think I ever told him who though, I'm sure he had his guesses.
Our first day together we spent hours in a hammock; wrapped up together.
Sharing stories..telling tales..questioning..smiling.
We were hiding from the sun; his head on my foot, my legs wrapped around his; arms on legs; 
I remember lying there with him and after a while we both fell quiet.
It wasn't that awkward silence though, no.
It was peaceful.
It was the kind of feeling you get when you're comfortable and know you don't have to say a thing.
We napped together that day. 
Let ourselves fall to our most vulnerable states in our first hours.
We didn't spend too many nights together...but enough for me to know he was a rarity.
Conversations were food for thought. 
From colors to the moon to playing with food. 
Laughter brought tears. 
Drinking wine with mouths stained red. 
Playing music while singing out loud.
Our last night together we had dinner and talked about ourselves over tea.
I thanked him for the time we had and wished him only the best on his future journey. 
He did teach me gratitude more than I already knew.
He could tell I was upset and said he liked it but not in a way you would think.
I remember him telling me, he liked it because he knew what we had was real.
I fought tears back for hours until we were in my room and he held me as I let them free flow. 
It hurt to know I found someone like myself and yet we were on the eve of our farewell. 
We spent that night side by side just like our first day tangled together and without words.
The morning spilled though my window and we knew it was time..
Our last moment together was an embrace and a kiss followed by, "Goodbye, My Tigress."
Was calling it love too soon?
Couldn't be....
I had known him for a lifetime.


The beauty in these loves is they were unexpected.
Without any expectation.
Embracing all of it for what it was.
And even though they were short lived and are now gone... 
It does not lessen what was there.  
These moments are some that I will never forget.

I thank you both for loving me and giving me the chance to love you back.
Wherever you are, enjoy life.
I will do the same. 

Gratitude.

I was taught not very long ago to express my gratitude.

Much more than I was. 

I was always thankful but I now see the power behind it. It's more than saying thank you. It's about connecting a little deeper. It's saying my soul and heart thank yours. 

I thanked someone for exposing their soul. 

Their eyes lit up. 

I wonder if that's what I looked like when I was first given thanks for being myself...

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for seeing me. 

Thank you for recognizing my soul. 

With my hand on your chest I feel your heart thumping...

I feel great gratitude towards you.

Slow Tiger Licks.

The rain is coming down tonight just like last night.
It reminds me of how much I love the sound,
Quietly splashing against the orange and yellow leaves in the trees..
Almost dripping down inside of me,
Cooling everything that feels rushed, or hurried, or anxious..
Your presence is like no other...strong and inspiring, moving and unforgettable.

I think of our mouths stained with wine..
It's hard to believe that we didn't leave these mountains when we were together.
When our stories and bodies touch, it seems like we travel to distant places -
Your body next to mine--I swear your fingertips could write a novel across my skin

We taste the beauty; feel the beauty between us..
I could have swore we visited the ocean twice last night.
What a frenzy to have your heart thump against mine..
Your love burning like a wildfire..

Your wet lips pressed against mine..
The yearning we feel deeply.. 

Tugging us towards one another..
Pushing us to the animals we truly are..
 "What do you see?"

 "Softness."

 "What do you see?"

 "Passion."

What a fascinating life we have..
Small moments that no one would have ever guessed..
Remember everything is a fleeting memory.
Do not question where the small moments come from,
Do not ask where they are headed, or for how long they will be with you..
Enjoy them for the remarkable moments they last.
Unexpected. Without expectations. 

We must remember to love the roughness and the sweetness of it.

With slow tiger licks, long embraces and smiles.

One Year Ago.

One year ago..
I said goodbye to the life that I knew the most.
Dreams had come true. It was almost the picket fence life.
We had everything to everyone.
Yet, not to us.
I felt tamed. 
Caged. 
Unhappy.

I threw it away and the three years attached for a new one....
Mine..

Tears were shed and words were cross.
Things did not end well.
I had pizza that night with a close friend to try and forget about what I had just done.
Tonight, I had pizza with new friends and remembered to myself how sick my gut felt that cool October night sitting beside that fire.

Its funny where we go in a year. 
New people.
New places. 
Some same people. 
Some same places.
New dreams; new goals.
New...life.

I've been working on myself since that night. 
I promised myself I would.
Betterment. 
Bewilderment.

I've met some very interesting people.
Some very terrible people too. 
I've had fights with myself, fights with no longer friends.
I've been stolen from and lied to.
Made a fool of.
Challenged my soul.
Felt defeated; felt accomplished.
Painted pictures and threw them away.
Hid my pain.
Dealt with my pain.
Cried.
Laughed. 
Screamed.
Forgave myself.
Climbed mountains and trees.
I've had new lovers and left them.
Had lovers that left that I wish would have stayed.
I've made new friends I never would have met.
I've broken myself a few nights, only to find myself when I hit the bottom.
I've made dinners, told stories.
Laid under stars and laid in fields.
Drank with loved ones and laughed.
Drank alone and cried.
Walked in the rain; basked in the sun.
Swam in the rivers and sat on their banks.
Slept alone; slept cuddled.
I have been very weak and also very strong.
I walked along seashores and tromped through desert canyons. 
I've missed family.
I've made family.
Learned and taught.
Watched sunsets and sunrises.
I've struggled 
I've succeeded.
I am evolving still because my tiger wants out.

A lot can happen to you in a year.
A lot can change you in a year.
I'm learning to not hold on to any one thing to tightly.
Let things slip through fingers like grains of sand. 
Everything is a fleeting moment.
Beautiful in its on energy.
Don't squeeze too tightly, you don't want to break it..
Handle carefully and keep your hands open.
Every moment we are handed whether by choice or by happening is a blessing.
So even if we think we fucked up...imagine yourself a year from that moment...I couldn't.
I bet you won't be able to either but I can promise you this..
You'll be a better person for going through it and happier in the end.

The Crackle Of Cigars Will Make You Think...

I get lost in my mind...


I drive with the windows up..
No music on.
I finally make it home after a long day.
I walk from my car and lie down in the breezeway. 
For some reason the word breeze-block comes to mind..
I start singing to myself...
"She may contain the urge to run away but hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks.."
I stare at the walls surrounding me. 
Who decided that this blue was a good color to paint these walls? 
I listen to the crackle of my cigar...
I listen to the cars sputter down the street but all I can see is this blue.
It kind of looks like a sponge...these walls...are so strange.

I wonder what I look like to people in the carport...
Just a set of legs coming out of a hallway...
Green corduroy pants...These are weird pants..  
I wonder about the people in my complex...
Have their days been anything like mine?

I finish my smoke and continue to lie there. 
I put my hands in my jacket pockets and close my eyes.
I hear the wind hiss through the trees across the street. 
Mm, That is definitely a sweet sound.
I wish this wasn't cement under me but soft grass...that matched my pants...

Okay, maybe I should go upstairs....
I count the steps as I walk up..
1,2,3,4...
I stopped counting at 10.
Fuck these stairs.

I walk into my house and see two people tangled up in love.
Legs and arms all weaved together..
"hello."
"hi..hello."
I actually hate walking into this.
Call me harsh..I don't much care.
Luckily, I like them.

My cat is hiding in my roommates clothes that are piled up in his room.
There are weird tunes coming from the speakers...
I don't hate it..
I am, however, not totally sure of it.

Walk into the kitchen and open the fridge...
Crack
Mm. beer.
This is what I've wanted for the last 3 hours.
Something to lower my inhibitions.
Yeah...Needed.

I walked downstairs and looked at the stars...
Clear night..
Wish I was anywhere but here.
Fucking paved parking lot.
Sitting on an electrical box..
Cars zoom past; coming home, leaving for the night...
Wonder where they are going?
Consumed more nicotine..
And I finish my beer...Sad.

I come upstairs.. living room is empty. yes.
I start this randomness while listening to Ray Lamontagne
Oh wait, there is the sound of moans echoing through my house..
Whatever.

I go into my room, grab my water, throw the clothes off my bed and into the floor..
I stand there, thinking about...actually nothing for a brief moment...
I don't want to be in here..
Walk back into my living room..No sounds of sex...yes..

I lie down on the couch...eyes closed.
I hear my fan in my room humming loudly.
Why the fuck can I hear that before I hear the music playing right beside me?
Strange.

I start to think about her.
Tomi, I hope heaven treats you well.
It broke my heart today to hear of your passing.
I bet you are doing just fine wherever you are.

"I lay down with circles in my head and I dream a dream I've never had, I was climbing down a mountain to a deep dark hole and in that dream it didn't seem all that bad."
Appropriate.

Words just came on...this song...something about it strikes a cord in me..
It plucks at my strings. 
Makes me think even more than I already do...

"Words mean more at night. 
  Like a song. 
  And did you ever notice.
  The way light means more than it did all day long?"   
Hmm.

Universe, are you listening to me?
I'm listening to you.  
......Universe, what are you trying to tell me?

Many Hours In My Hammock

What an unbelievably beautiful thing when two separate energies tangle up with one another and have a feeling of the comfort of years and an electrical current running across skin.
laughter, silence, talking, questions, glances, touching hands. 
There is a certain bliss to it.
Enjoy.